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The Jokes of Week Two

This week, we ran into an old friend, we tried to have a snack, we spent some time in jail, and we got some advice from the rabbi.

In case you missed any, just click play above and all four of this week’s jokes will play, in order. Thank you for watching!

WABC 7 reports, "An off-duty school safety agent was allegedly drunk when she slammed her car into a tree in the Bronx, killing one passenger and injuring another. Police say 25-year-old Mariely Gonzalez lost control of her 1999 Toyota Camry, traveling westbound on Orchard Beach Road in Pelham Bay Park just after 9:30 p.m. Thursday night." Gonzalez's front seat passenger was killed while the back seat passenger suffered a fractured spinal cord. Gonzalez, who broke her back and leg, faces charges of "aggravated vehicular homicide, operating a motor vehicle while intoxicated, reckless driving, and refusal to take a breathalyzer."

KANSAS CITY, Mo. (AP) - Kansas City's school superintendent said Thursday the plan to shutter nearly half the district's schools, while "painful," will move forward quickly so that all the closures will be complete by fall. The school board narrowly approved the plan Wednesday night to close 29 of the district's 61 schools to try to stave off bankruptcy. The closures have angered many parents, students and teachers, but administrators say ...

Confrontation between student and professor at Portland State University raises questions about school security, guns on campus. By The Oregonian. March 06, 2010, 6:35PM. One afternoon last November, a Portland State University economics student gave a class presentation on what he described as the U.S. military's flawed reliance on one of its key combat rifles. As a visual aid, Zachary Bucharest hauled out a duffel bag and withdrew the ...

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I'm not going to lie -- I haven't paid attention to Corey Haim for years. I was only vaguely aware of his drug troubles and related health problems, and I didn' t watch 'The Two Coreys.' I was amused to see his Variety ad last year -- the one where he said he was ready to work again -- the way you feel when an ex you remember fondly does something stupid but sweet. And that's why his sudden death was such a punch to the gut; no matter how long ...

"Due to the distractions to the educational process caused by recent events, the Itawamba County School District has decided to not host a prom at Itawamba Agricultural High School this year," school board members said in a statement. UPDATE: ACLU files suit against school. Constance McMillen, an 18-year-old senior at Itawamba, recently challenged a school policy prohibiting her from bringing her girlfriend as her date to the April 2 prom. ...

Glenn Beck Welcomes Salty Groping Congressman, Argues With Michelle Malkin. Former Democratic congressman Eric Massa retired from the House because he has cancer and because he was maybe constantly groping male staffers. He will be on Glenn Beck for the full hour today. Michelle Malkin is not happy about that! Republicans, teabaggers, and conservatives have literally no idea what to do about Massa. When he was resigning because of cancer, ...

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is not accustomed to the word she's been hearing far more frequently in recent days: “no.” Over the past two weeks, Pelosi has faced a series of subtle but significant challenges to her authority — revolts from Democrats on the Ways and Means Committee, the Congressional Black Caucus, the Blue Dog Coalition and politically vulnerable first- and second-term members. The dynamic stems from an “every man for himself” ...

Well-publicized troubles have mounted for those forecasting global warming. First, there was last year's release of hacked e-mails from the United Kingdom's University of East Anglia, showing some climate scientists really dislike their critics (investigations are still ongoing). Then there was the recent discovery of a botched prediction that all Himalayan glaciers would disappear by 2035 in one of the Nobel-Prize-winning 2007 ...

Marina del Rey, Calif. THE Obama administration has said that it may require automakers to install “smart pedals” on all new cars. This kind of system — already used in BMWs, Chryslers, Volkswagens and some of the newest Toyotas — deactivates the car's accelerator when the brake pedal is pressed so that the car can stop safely even if its throttle sticks open. The idea is to prevent the kind of sudden acceleration that has recently led to the ...

Amateur video taken aboard a cruise ship shows a massive wave smashing windows and flooding parts of the vessel. Two passengers died and 14 were injured when the wave struck the ship which was sailing near Spain Wednesday. (March 4)

Conan O'Brien Reveals Promo Poster For His New Comedy Tour. The poster for O' Brien's self-proclaimed "half-assed comedy and music tour" was revealed today. Official name? "The Legally Prohibited From Being Funny on Television Tour", sponsored by American Express (get that money, honey!). Get tickets here! Send an email to Mike Byhoff, the author of this post, at mike@gawker.TV. publish on Facebook. Upload an image | Add an image URL × ...

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